Hey. My name’s Samadhi & I’m 15. I need to get all of this out of me, because if I don’t it will only destroy me more than it has already…

My suffer starts since I was born. I was the typical little wierd girl that played alone & had no friends. It has always been like that. In sixth grade, my mom put me into a new school, let’s just say I wasn’t so happy with it, but well… i had to swallow my thoughts. Well, I felt like everyone hated me, who knows why. I had my first boyfriend who I just loved. The first person you love is one of a few that will stay in your heart forever no matter what. When I broke up with him, I felt like someone was taking me from my feet and draging me down to the center of the earth… That’s when i started to cut, almost five years ago.

Years passed, cuts become deeper, scars like a million, more tears filling my eyes & less self esteem than ever, but only one person was my true friend in that time; Denisse. She didn’t knew about me cutting or SH, and I didn’t want to tell her. I was afraid she thought I was crazy & stay away from me. I didn’t wanted help, it was a very scary possition for a 13 year old girl. 

At beggining of ninth grade (last year) a guy called David came into my grade & he had something… Cute. Something lovley that catched me for the first time he laid eyes on me, I swear i felt like a thunder coming down my back, it was a beautiful storm in my nerves. Sooooo much shit happened between me & him but finally, we were together on August 26, but I’m like… such an idiot. I went to a party next day, and drink a little too much & well… kissed a guy. One of the dumbest things I’ve ever done, but David and I didn’t finish, we wanted to move on. BUT HEY, guess who told him about the party situation. DENISSE. That nasty bitch. 

Like two or three weeks later, I found text messages between David & Denisse talking nasty shit, I was like ¡¿WOT?! Couldn’t belive it. Fucking backstabber. I was devastated & then like 3 months later, I knew my Brother’s best friend: Nacho. WHO KNOW WHY I inmediatley loved him, but I thought that it was because I was so upset for David so I didn’t pay attention of it. Two months later, Nacho was my boyfriend, how? I really don’t know how did that happened soooo fast, but well… I was happy. I was happier than with David for real… Nacho treated me good. Great, actually. He send me text messages and my heart stopped right away. He told me I was gorgeous and although I’ve never believe that… I believed him. I believe everything he said even if it wasn’t true. He made me want to believe that I was so fuckin’ beautiful and perfect that i ended believin it more than ever. I fucking loved him so much that I can’t even think about how much. He was made for me, only for me. I loved when we smoke and he kept looking at me until my lips throw an smile for him. I loved when while we were kissing, I started to smile for no reason, and he ended up smiling with me, for no reason at all. Cutiest & the most unforgettable time for me. We broke up by phone at 11:30 pm or something like that. And I… Don’t know really. I just remember so much tears I can’t believe how much, 2 packs of cigarretes burning me and then smoking it. That’s all the shit I can remember honestly. It was five or six months ago and it still hurts as bad as always. 

In this past six months, I have found some new 87 scars, 13 bruises, maybe 30 or 35 packs of cigerretes and like 150 dollars in weed, which like the half I may had stealed from my mom. And for making it worst, two weeks ago I just realized I’m bulimic and maybe I could be 2 months pregnant because of David. I’m an asshole. I’m stupid, ignorant, pathetic… I can’t believe how low I’ve fall. 

I’m not writing all of this because I want to be the center of attention, NO.  It’s just because I haven’t tell anyone this so taking it off of me it’s a relief. Knowing that other people had done the same thing I’ve done let’s me know that I’m not that different. I’m just another person that needs help before she kills herself. This tears that are falling down my cheeks are happiness tears knowing that you’ll may be the only person who could really understand me without thinking that I’m a bitch or a whore or some of the things I hear everyday. 

PLEASE, if you think that I’m stupid or whatever, tell me. I wanna know how bad person I am. I need to know for changing myself.

Thanks for taking time & reading my short version story. Means a lot <3 

(submission)

Hun, you are not a bad person in the slightest. You did exactly what you wanted to do, exactly when you wanted to do it. And there’s no shame in that. Whether you’re actually pregnant or not, I don’t think you did anything wrong. You loved David. And my guess is you had sex with him well after you and Nacho broke up. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve been through so much and I’m sure I would have made a lot of the same choices in your position. If you want to talk more, message me <3